Today, April 2, 2014, I’ve decided to stop being anxious about my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s wonderful a lot of the time, he forgets things sometimes, he surprises me on occasion, he does nice things that aren’t conventional, he doesn’t always tell me he loves me every moment I want him to, he is amazingly supportive about most things and sometimes I forget to love that about him. He does a lot for me especially for someone who has never fully incorporated another person into their heart and you know what? I’m proud of him and I’m glad I get to be the one going through adventures with him. He’s graduating college in May, and I’m not. I’m nervous about the future, and since I thrive with a generalized anxiety disorder (I’ve also decided to give up on the word struggle. I thrive beyond it), what would normally be a little nervousness, is a full blown panic attack almost every time I think about it. I doubt him sometimes, I wish sometimes that he was different than he is, but that isn’t his fault and that isn’t something he needs to change to fit, it’s something I need to change. Because, you see, you can’t mold someone to fit your ideal shape. That isn’t how love works. Love is accepting someone’s faults and feeling like you compliment each other well enough to help them grow as a person, whether they choose to grow in a way you want (as long as they want it too), or if they grow a different way. Love is helping another person grow without mandating how they do it.
I, GNHB, swear to not allow unnecessary worries driven by my anxiety disorder about my relationship bother me. I’m sick of letting my potential realities affect my day.
1. If he isn’t with me, or isn’t answering his phone, he probably just isn’t near his phone, or he’s busy. I promise not to let my imagination control my worries. He loves me, he will get back to me when he can.
2. If he isn’t understanding me, I won’t automatically assume he never will. I will take a few moments to decide how to explain things, and say it. He cares.
3. I promise not to worry too much about the future. Hopefully all stays well, and if it doesn’t? Then it doesn’t! Change isn’t the end of the world.
4. I promise to learn to become more independent. Life isn’t about someone else’s choices, it’s about mine. I need to learn to put myself first when it comes to both daily activities and planning times to hang out.
As of today, I’m done worrying about will he/wont he/why is he/why isn’t he/where is he. I’m over it. I just want less stress and more happiness.
PLEASE, feel free to send words of encouragement. :)
"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."
It’s really fucking unfair that at the age of 22 I’ve already had not only my birthdad die but also my grandma who was my absolute best friend. I keep wondering when I won’t feel heartbroken anymore, and realizing that 3.5 years hasn’t healed the heartbreak over my birthdads death really isn’t helping the cause of healing heartbreak over my grandma as that was only 2.5 weeks ago.
I sure wish I believed in heaven about now. At least then I’d know she was finally happy and reunited with the love of her life.
Never will a day pass where I won’t miss her. There are already so many things I want to talk to her about.
"An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you."
- Kiss like you mean it.
- Remember their birthday, every year.
- Make them feel special, even on a monday night with a forecast of rain.
- Befriend their Mom, she will tell you stories that no one else can.
- Order each other food at restaurants, just to try something new.
- Shower together, you may learn to love your body, by seeing the desire and passion in your partners eyes.
- Leave notes when you go out for the day, it will make you feel safe.
- Watch the Breakfast Club, and pump up your fist in the end, even if it only happens once.
- Care for each other when sick, soup is the easiest thing to make.
- Make chocolate covered strawberries in summer simply because you can.
- Go fishing with their Dad, and listen to what he has to say, even if he may have trouble saying it.
- Give each other little presents, even if its just a rose on friday the 13th.
- Get angry, but forgive.
- Love, love with all you’ve got.
"One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learnt to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you."
"For years, mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”… The truth is you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation."
"The rape joke is that you were eight.
The rape joke is that at the time,
you didn’t know people had sex to express love.
The rape joke is that the only other person
who’d seen you naked was your mom.
The rape joke is that he called you ‘beautiful’ first.
The rape joke is that he held your hands together
and told you to ‘try harder’ when you struggled.
The rape joke is that you believed him
when he told you were overreacting.
The rape joke is that your grandma
called him a nice boy and asked him to stay for dinner.
The rape joke is that he winked at you
when you apologized to your parents for not coming
downstairs the first time you were called.
The rape joke is that his friends
high-fived him for “getting some.”
The rape joke is that you still don’t feel like
you’ve regrown the pieces he stole.
The rape joke is that he was conceived when his
dad slapped himself into his snoring mother.
The rape joke is that her friends told her
she was lucky someone wanted her.
The rape joke is that each year in the United States,
32,000 other women’s bellies
ripen with life against their will.
The rape joke is that he never learned
to touch without scarring.
The rape joke is that your classmate thinks
‘have you seen what asses look like in yoga pants?’
is an argument.
The rape joke is your new boyfriend kissing
you and telling you he ‘raped’ his math test.
The rape joke is that ‘Why are girls so scared of rape? Y’all should feel pride that a guy risked his life in jail just to fuck you’
is a popular Tweet right now.
The rape joke is that you wake up to
the memory of him laughing,
“now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
The rape joke is that it’s been twelve years and
you still quiver when someone touches you.
The rape joke is that he hasn’t stopped laughing.
The rape joke is that you forgot how to."