Today, April 2, 2014, I’ve decided to stop being anxious about my relationship with my boyfriend. He’s wonderful a lot of the time, he forgets things sometimes, he surprises me on occasion, he does nice things that aren’t conventional, he doesn’t always tell me he loves me every moment I want him to, he is amazingly supportive about most things and sometimes I forget to love that about him. He does a lot for me especially for someone who has never fully incorporated another person into their heart and you know what? I’m proud of him and I’m glad I get to be the one going through adventures with him. He’s graduating college in May, and I’m not. I’m nervous about the future, and since I thrive with a generalized anxiety disorder (I’ve also decided to give up on the word struggle. I thrive beyond it), what would normally be a little nervousness, is a full blown panic attack almost every time I think about it. I doubt him sometimes, I wish sometimes that he was different than he is, but that isn’t his fault and that isn’t something he needs to change to fit, it’s something I need to change. Because, you see, you can’t mold someone to fit your ideal shape. That isn’t how love works. Love is accepting someone’s faults and feeling like you compliment each other well enough to help them grow as a person, whether they choose to grow in a way you want (as long as they want it too), or if they grow a different way. Love is helping another person grow without mandating how they do it.
I, GNHB, swear to not allow unnecessary worries driven by my anxiety disorder about my relationship bother me. I’m sick of letting my potential realities affect my day.
1. If he isn’t with me, or isn’t answering his phone, he probably just isn’t near his phone, or he’s busy. I promise not to let my imagination control my worries. He loves me, he will get back to me when he can.
2. If he isn’t understanding me, I won’t automatically assume he never will. I will take a few moments to decide how to explain things, and say it. He cares.
3. I promise not to worry too much about the future. Hopefully all stays well, and if it doesn’t? Then it doesn’t! Change isn’t the end of the world.
4. I promise to learn to become more independent. Life isn’t about someone else’s choices, it’s about mine. I need to learn to put myself first when it comes to both daily activities and planning times to hang out.
As of today, I’m done worrying about will he/wont he/why is he/why isn’t he/where is he. I’m over it. I just want less stress and more happiness.
PLEASE, feel free to send words of encouragement. :)